It has been about sixteen months since I have posted on this lovely blog. I have been very busy with school, work, and trying (but failing) to have a social life. So much has changed since I have been here, some being bad things that have happened to me, and some being good things. I do not know where to start for this post or even why I am writing. I guess maybe it is because in twenty-four days I will be turning twenty-one, and it got me thinking how I have not done a lot of stuff for me, or if I have done stuff for me it was for selfish reasons. I realized this past week I have a lot of growing up to do. I need to change for the better and start having faith and ambition in myself.
If you ask any friend of mine their first impression of me, you will get one of two answers. One answer being, she has chronic bitch face, but I promise you she is one of the sweetest people you will ever meet…and a honest bitch. The second answer being, she is a hard person to “read” at first, but when you turn past the cover you will learn she has a lot of personality and sass. So I guess you could say it is a hit or miss with me. I will always remember a time during my sophomore year of college, I was at a party doing what I do best which is dancing and drinking wine. I made a new friend that night. This friend was watching me dance, he grabbed my hand and helped me off the table I was dancing on. He then began to tell me how he can always “read” someone and that he was the first person he could not figure out. He said I had some type of mystery to me that he did not want to solve. That is not the first time I have had that exact conversation. I guess there is something people will never know about me, not even myself. I feel as if sometimes I have to act a certain way to impress people, but I am done trying to impress people, I am done trying to get on someones good side, and I am done trying to make an effort for people who will not meet me half way. Once I realized that I should worry about myself first, I got scared about what the future held, but little did I know that once I made this change, God took away all the toxic people in my life and opened many doors for me.
This whole week I have been praying a lot. I am not a religious person whatsoever, so this was outside my comfort zone. I left Catholic school the middle of my ninth grade year, and since then I have maybe been to church five times. I just do not care for the judgmental people I see at my church and all the nasty mean drama they start outside of Gods house. I prayed for a lot of things. Some being a cure for my brothers disease, financial stability, for me to stop being selfish, my grandparents living the rest of their lives stress free and to be healthy, and to graduate college. It makes me sick to my stomach how selfish I can be. I sometimes think the world revolves around me and no one else. I grew up the first ten years of my life being an only child and to top it all off my grandfather spoiled me rotten. Anything I wanted I got. I did not know then and sometimes even now how easy I had/have it. I took advantage of my grandparents when I should not have. I covered it up good though, I had them wrapped around my finger. All my grandparents saw was this innocent little girl with pig tails that did no wrong. I am done with that, it is embarrassing that it took twenty years to see this. During this time I am getting closer to God and I know he is going to help me get off this path and to start seeing past my selfishness. My family would lay down their lives for me, and I want them to know I would do the same for them, but I do not think they know that based on my actions. By gradating college and going out into the real world on my own, I hope to make my family proud and hopefully get a rude awakening of what it is like to be on my own. All I want is to make them proud, and if I can do that, that is all that matters to me.
My family thinks I have grown up so much since I started college and got into a serious relationship. I guess a little bit of that is true. Yes, college has changed me for the better. In fact, I do not even know that girl in high school is anymore, or the little girl who would run off the school bus in elementary school to hug her grandmother that would wait for me by the stop sign. That girl was full of innocence and imagination. All I have left is my imagination, the innocence of me has been gone for a while and is a stranger to me. My boyfriend has made me see things in myself that I did not know even existed. He sees me for who I am and knows every single flaw about me, and still loves me for me, not the girl I pretend I am for the world to see. He knows how hard I am on myself and knows how I do not have any faith in myself. He has so much faith in me, it makes me so lucky and blessed to have him in my life. He has taught me patience and how to love all over again. I never thought I could love someone so much.
I do believe God sent me here to write what has been on my mind this whole year, and knew that this was my best outlet, but part of me still does not know why I am writing. Maybe it is the wine in me that is helping me tell you all of this, or maybe that I knew that this needed to be said. I have a lot to figure out about myself and where I am in life, because right now I do not know anymore. I thought I had my life figured out, or at least that is what I told people.
“Drunk words are sober thoughts” -Unknown